Missing someone

I am so sad today. This pandemia is taking so much away from me, and I am walking a thin line. A little bit out of balance and I will fall.... 

Today is Saturday, the beginning of the weekend, a time that should be re-charging, and I am fearful that will not happen. 

I lost a close family member last week. I lost my aunt, my godmother. I can't say that this was unexpected, it was not. I was told that what my aunt was withstanding a very advanced cancer, that evolved in a galloping way. Her passing was to be expected. She was under palliative care for these past weeks, and we all knew what the future would bring. Nevertheless, bereavement during covid times is for me unprecedented and... I don't know how to cope. 

I am facing bereavement apart from all my family. Since travelling is still very much impossible, I can't be mourning alongside my family. I wont be giving comfort or strength to my cousins that lost their mother, nor my father that lost his sister. Nor be receiving the comfort just by being there, together with my family.

Mourning apart means that I am not even realising the missing part.... Since I am already away and actually missing everyone. I am still digesting the news and realising that my aunt is gone.  I feel that  realisation will only happen once I am meeting everyone and she will not be there.   I will not, indeed I did not attend her funeral. I am not going through those little steps that make you close a journey that you experienced together. That help you untie your bonds, forged through the years of memories, moments, happiness, birthdays, Christmases... and yes, pain as well.

In between , now I am remembering moments I spent with her. Our Summer holidays, her artistic ways, her profound knowledge of history, and her love for our family.  This week I was remembering all those happy times I spent with her, poaching at the rocky beach, having cakes after a long warm day on the beach, even the fact that she was the one that introduced me as a child to the benefits of  large foamy long baths... This was such a long time ago, and these sweet memories are still here with me. And will always be here with me. My aunt was always there for my important moments. 

Yes, I am very much in grieve, and that's why  I am exploring and expressing these feelings on my blog.  I am losing, not only my aunt but the comfort and seeking help to cope with these feelings , with this pain with my close family. Hopefully indeed I am not alone, but my little ones  and my husband didn't know her as I did. Were not happy with her as I was... And in the end I am indeed grieving alone. And this is not a process that I am not used to.  I have experienced  loss before, my grandparents that were so  important to me.... however I never had to go through it alone. I attended their funerals. I said my good-beys.

Not the same as now, as I am far away.

Far from my  mother, my father, my brother....

I am untying the close bonds I had with my aunt alone. I don't have people around that  have met her, that know her that were close to her that can relate. That I can talk about her. That would understand this pain. 

So I am I am grieving, but unable to grieve together alongside my family. Its not only about the pain of loosing her. Its also the funeral that I missed, my opportunity to say my final goodbye. To have a sense of closure. I don't know how to recover from that. Its a loss within a loss. 

Yes, I have skype, Zoom and all these technologies that connect you with people. But somehow, all of this feels 'unconnected'. 

Detached. 

Unreal. 

My family just skyped now. But I could not express this to them... They ask how are you.... I talk... But I don't speak. I don't express this. How can I? Because this asks for a hug that I cannot receive. A kiss that I cannot give. A physical touch that cannot go through all the wireless cables. There's no replacement for the warmth that is provided by physical presence. Of sharing the same room. Of saying, and sharing my good-beys.

 This is a loss within a loss.

Good-bey my lovely aunt. I am missing you. And I will not forget you.