My anxiety.

I often wonder how much I should share, or not in this blog. If you follow it, you might have or not, notice that I had a long period of silence. Yes, life happens, and time turns away from you,  but it was also more than that. I was unwell. To be quite honest, I am still unwell. I would prefer that my blog would remain lighthearted, that showed mostly the good times, also our ordinary times, that in the end are all that matter. But I also want it to be very real. This is my blog. It also is my voice, and today, not quite sure why, I need to share this. I need to write it down.  I need to share how difficult it is for me sometimes to leave the house. To get out of my bed. How my mind endures constant infighting.  This is my anxiety. This is how unwell I am.

I have always been a very anxious person. But, until two years back, I handled it. I recognised the specific situations that were causing it, whether a presentation, a report. Of course these specific situations would cause a normal degree of anxiety, it is normal until.... Until I could no longer handled it alone anymore. Until it prevented me to do normal tasks. After my young Baby boy was born, I endured one of the darkest moments of my life. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression and anxiety. I needed help to get on living a normal life. I experienced moments where I could not leave the house. I would not go into the supermarket. Spaces with more people where unbearable. I couldn't face anyone. 

Only specific tasks would force me out of the house, the pick up and drop off times from the nursery. I had to self refer myself to get help, and the NHS offered me sessions with a therapist, CBT. It helped me a lot then, helped me face some of the fears that I had, and mostly gave me techniques to resume a normal life. Unfortunately these sessions where limited, it as we all know in the UK the NHS has limited resources. And so, today, I am on my own facing my anxiety. Actually, this is not quite true, as I face my anxiety, so does my family. When I am enduring my hiding away periods, my family is also affected. I am quite aware of it: "Mummy what is wrong?" "Mummy has a pain in the chest and in the head" "Get well mummy". "I will." I am so very painful aware that I don't face this alone. 

In my past sessions I could face what was affecting me at that time, I could recognise what was triggering my anxiety at that the time, it  was very specific (however, I am not quite ready to share what was causing it). Today, I am noticing that my anxiety comes without warning. I don't recognise a specific trigger. My anxiety, my fast breathing, my chest pains come unannounced. I now become anxious about getting anxious. I am having panic attacks now, and I am anxious about having these panic attacks. Yes, my anxiety has grown in time. I still have the same techniques to face it, however as my anxiety now has grown more, I feel that my techniques and exercises  to help me coupe with it are insufficient. I have scheduled a meeting with my GP to get more help. In the mean time, let's just live one day at the time. Keep hoping that today I am stronger than my anxiety, and that it will not force me into a corner of my bedroom. Hoping that I will be able to walk out in the street and enjoy this day of sunshine without that pain in my chest. That is just a pain. No, it is not a heart attack. You had your electrocardiogram done and it was fine. 

My anxiety is crippling. It takes all inches of my racional thoughts and drowns you in seas of pure panic and fear. And you have to gather all rational thoughts inside you, one at the time, to erase this fear. It's a pure fight of two minds inside of me. My anxious mind, and me. I have to do all the time. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I hide in bed, the only safe place, and sleep, to free myself of my unwell ness. And with that I also free myself from the happiness the keeps happening downstairs. The laughs that I also am missing. Because when I revert to this half living state, at the same time my life is being stolen from me, and I hate it. I hate it that my anxiety is stealing me from playing with my children. I hate it that I can't regroup my thoughts and focus just on their laughs. In the past that was possible, now it isn't. I remember when my youngest was born and I struggled,  I could focus my mind on his breathing, and that would free my mind form my unhelpful thoughts. Now, these are stronger. Their voices are heightened. My voice appears to be weakened...

One day at the time. The sun is out and I can feel a gentle warmth in my body. Anxiety is at bay. Let's hope that today I don't have to hide from myself. I will pick my children up, and go play with them in the park. The sun is out, and we will enjoy this sun, and have fun. Today I will focus on that. Hopefully, anxiety today will not win.