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22 October 2020

.... another day.

Today has not been a good day. After what was a terrible night.
I was exhausted, but could not fall asleep. Daunting thoughts haunted my dark night. As you can imagine I am not in the highest spirits.

There are such nights and days like these, and so I am trying to follow through my exercises. These fights that I have grown accustomed too.  But it has been difficult, if not to truly be realistic and say impossible. My heavy thoughts have been winning this week. 

I am not sure what exactly is behind this long term low mood, if the pandemia, being away for such a long time from my family, the world turning more crazy, the depressing news...Or the reason is more close to home,  my work. Or all together...  Or either. Unfathomed reasons that just drag me down. 

But here I find myself, facing the PC screen and writing whilst I look deeper into myself. I do have to mind that I don't take a very deep look or I find myself drowning and unable to resurface again. It is so easy to fall pray into these deep thoughts. The medication that I started taking before pandemia  did help, I believe that I was able to reign in the thoughts, but a couple weeks back these took a darker turn, And so I have to remind myself of all the exercises I have learned and live one day at the time, take one step at the time, and divide all the big tasks into smaller ones.

One step at the time. 

One of the exercises I am doing  is actively making things that make me... I can't day happy, but at least, steer me away from the deep abyss. Making Halloween decorations, thinking about costumes for kiddos is one of them. Since  Halloween is approaching,  focusing (trying to focus...)  attention on decorations, and busied myself and kiddos when at home does make the kids happy. If only making pon-pons and little ghosts could drag out some easy laughs as do them! I find myself envying their carefree lives, and their happiness.  Kiddos are now at school. 

One step at the time. The sun is looking up and warm, make plans to what we can do today....go out, enjoy the river and the playground. Listen carefully to their laughs. And try to laugh along them. Just focus on them, their joy. 

And then wait for tomorrow. Another day rises, and hopefully it wont be low as today.

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