19 September 2014

Baby and me!

I never intended this blog to be a maternity one, or even considered to mention that I had a little one, but with time, as being a mother is such a huge part of me, it would be impossible not to mention parts of my maternity experience in my blog.

I am writing this after reading this blog post from a Cup of Jo. While I was reading it, I could immediately relate with parts of what she wrote. My heart melts when I see my son, I instantly have a smile when he enters the room, and I literally feel that my heart is walking outside my body! I never ever thought that I would feel this way when becoming a mother. I was really worrying while pregnant about not bonding with my baby once he was here. It was one of my main concerns, but as he was born, and I saw him for the first time, my heart at the time just flooded. I could only exclaim at the time “Oh my god!”. It was exactly love at first sight and one with such intensity I never experienced before.  And it just keeps growing every single day, every single time I lay my eyes on him! 

But not all in my motherhood experience is just good and lovely things. I do complaint (a lot!) for my sleepless nights, for the exhaustion I feel at times... However, when he is peacefully sleeping on my lap and I am cuddling him, all that simply vanishes... And I am re-flooded with love. I suppose it should be this way, otherwise I am not sure how all mothers would cope with such exhaustion. Love replenishes our energy levels to handler another day!

I also relate now with some expressions and reactions from my mother with my brother and I... It was motherly love! I remember that sometimes when my mother was clinging or something, I would go...”Mom, not now...!” Now I get these needs... Of just kissing, hugging or cuddling my baby!

I realized as well that I am extremely jealous of him... When I drop him at the nursery before my days work, and he waves his little arms for his key workers, I feel that those little arms should only ask for my cuddles, and my lap...But that also relaxes me, as I feel that he is being cared and loved there. I was extremely anxious before his first day at the nursery... and his first day wasn’t a good one, as I had to return and pick him up, because he just wouldn´t stop crying for his mummy. But now he is well adjusted and he has lots of fun at the nursery. I am the one who is still adjusting! I still ache when I drop him there every single weekday... At the same time, and this feels contradictory, I do need this hours away from him. I need to feel myself again, because ever since becoming a mother, I feel that every single second of my life it´s for him, for his wants and needs. I guess that’s also part of being a mother...

In time I will have to learn to balance being a mother and just being me... 

But for now, I will just enjoy this moments with my baby!

 “My mother’s love is the size of the world! Or more!”

What about you, how do you feel as a mother?


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